Lost, I guess.

So, yesterday, I got to be told that my stimming “doesn’t make people feel bad” just because I can control it. So it isn’t a tick.

I guess I’m going to try not to self soothe all day today. I’m then going to consider sharing the results.

I feel like ass.

I’ve already had to stop rocking twice, stop my feet moving twice, and technically I’m still moving my hands while I type.

And now I can feel a shiver coming up into my chest, so that’s super rad.

I really hope that my partner can get this job going. I’m tired of not having a diagnosis. I’m tired of people telling me bullshit when they don’t understand anything.

Just had to stop m fingers again.

It’s not even been ten minutes.

Fuckin dick man, I’ve been stimming my whole life.

I’ve been moving my hands around and feeling my shoulder and whapping myself to calm down SINCE I WAS BORN. And then I learned that people look at you weird when you do it. When you rock or flap, or chew your nails (something I just got over this year KIND OF. I still chew the skin on my fingers) so I masked. Kind of. I do it without thinking when I’m anxious though, so maybe no one ever said anything?

Then I started feeling comfortable here and started researching it more as well.

Mostly because I was trying to find a way to make the shiver feeling go away. Because when I have one of them, it feels like they stick around in my chest and neck. It feels like I need to tense up.

It helps to whap myself in the chest, and make the TSST noise, and it helps to jerk my head to the side. It still takes a while to go away after that though. It just lessens it, kind of.

So I found out hey, people with anxiety/ADHD/ and Autism all stim!! It’s normal! And healthy! You’re regulating your nerves and it can help you focus!!!

And yet when I try to say something like, hey, I don’t have Tourette’s, but this is stimming, I feel like they wont even try to believe me. I know I’m right. Then why can’t I just say it?

Whoops, almost rocked again…

Sigh.