Don’t Isolate Yourself

Recently, I was able to have an hour or so to myself. So, I took advantage of it how anyone would. I literally sang for most of it, cleaned dishes, and had a small amount of calm down time.

The singing was great because I haven’t been able to do so since we got here. Someone is always nearby.

I figured out that I can still hit the notes I used to, almost a bit easier, actually. I think it’s that way because of how much talking I do now. My voice is used a lot more now than it used to be and I sounded good even then.

I love being alone. I love just laying in the silence and complete darkness. At some point it gets scary, but until it does, its bliss.

I remember the first time I ever got in any real trouble at school. The first and last time that I got detention. The reason was because I kissed a girl on the bus ride home one day. She was really cute and I liked her a lot, however, she was the kind of person to be a little… floaty. She was amazingly sweet whenever we were around each other though.

At any rate, I had to stay behind at school that day. They put me in a tiny room with white walls and a heavy door. There was a desk and a chair.

This was the first time that I realized how much I absolutely loved being alone. Unbothered. Able to focus.

There was no yelling. No angry parent that could come knocking on my door to scream at me for something small. No screaming aunt (shes 7 years my younger and enjoyed tormenting me any way she could) trying to slam her way into my room while I had a meltdown.

I was safe, and it was so quiet.

I imagine that a lot of peoples idea of a vacation is going to the beach, a new city or state, something like that. But not for me.

My idea of paradise is silence. And utter safety.

I found myself a new happy place in our last house. My love had his own room, his office. In it was a VERY small closet. Enough room to stand, but not enough to sit without your legs almost against your chest. I loved it in there. It was tight, dark, and quiet. There were no spiderwebs so I didn’t have to worry about that.

Now, I don’t really have a place like that.

My partner’s brother’s TV is always extremely loud, and in this house the doors are over 100 years old. Or very close. I know they are original. The door knobs and everything. They barely fit and don’t do anything to block sound out.

His mother is always trying to shove me into people. Unexpectedly. We’re working on it, and its getting better, but I also have yet to explain in the right way why I need to be alone. I’ve tried it a few times, but all they know is being up on each other. All the blogs on anxiety say, “don’t isolate yourself” “it will make it worse” so she goes off that and INSISTS it must be true in all cases.

Of course, shutting myself in the house for two years wasn’t the best decision and wasn’t really healthy. I know that. But what is healthy for me is recovery time. After going out and getting our nails done, I felt tired for the whole next day. I think I even took a nap.

I’ve been dragged out a lot in the last week or so, so technically I’ve been pretty tired all week.

I have also been able to write my articles again, FINALLY. So, I’ll have money for food and such now. My love is only going to be getting bi-weekly payments (because those actually make since and are totally helpful and definitely don’t almost all the time screw people over because they have to wait an extra long amount of time to get the money that they deserve which makes it harder for them to be able to afford food and gas which then leads to stress and lower job performance BUTANYWAY) so I’ll probably have to buy our food some weeks.

Ah, this has been long, and his mother will be home soon, so I should sign off.

Later, gator.