Finally Alone

I am finally alone.

Well, not really.

My person’s mother and brother are both still at the house, but he left with his dad to go to the store.

There is constant conflict here, and it’s making it extreamly hard to keep any kind of inspiration going. Along with the fact that every time I move my heart pounds so hard and fast and I start panting, I’m a wee bit on the edge.

I am constantly told to be myself unapologetially, but when I tell them that I need space and time away, they get offended.

I have no idea how to word the way that I feel.

And they always bring up “family” and “friends” and trying to explain how you don’t know what either of those feel like to someone who has always liked to have both around at all times, is difficult. Both his mother and father think that I’m being rude all the time, when in fact, I am over stimulated and if I don’t go calm down for a bit, I will just start crying.

This isn’t the senerio I want, but I still feel like I don’t have the right words to explain to them how I work.

I feel awful when I am around others for long periods of time. I feel awful in loud enviornments. I feel awful in crowded places. When people don’t warn me to something that will possibly trigger an attack. There are so many things, but every time I try to tell them how I feel, they tell me that it’s just an excuse.

I don’t know how to defend the way that I just am, when it isn’t an excuse and is the only way I can keep functioning at all.

And his brother has lost 30% of his hearing, the doors are thin, and so I am constantly awake until 4 in the morning because he refuses to turn down his damn TV.

And the only thing his mom can do is defend him.

He is not even a year younger than me, and yet I am expected to suck all of my debilitating mental and physical issues up and just deal with it. But he is allowed to irritate me all he wants.

And this doesn’t include last night, when we had to sit at a hospital almost 2 hours away because his mom totaled the car she had just paid off.

And the WORST part of all of this?

WE ALL HAVE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.

It’s like a cluster fuck of stress just, circling at all times.

And of course his stepfather and I have the worst anxiety, but at this point I think I’ve got almost everyone beat on the depression scale. Which isn’t a good thing, but leads to them telling me to go to a shrink, when I really wouldn’t need to in such a pressing way IF THEY HAD DONE THAT FOR THEMSELVES LIKE 20 YEARS AGO.

Not to mention:

Dad: Libra

Brother: Scorpio

Mom: Leo

Me: Capricorn

My Person: Virgo

So all in all

I don’t vibe with really any of them except his mom and him. Sometimes. They are very alike in the irritating things they do, so it isn’t hard for me to adjust to her, and we enjoy the same things.

I think she enjoys having someone nonjudgmental around, but I get that a lot. It’s what I’m here for, to help and support. It means a lot to me to be this way as well, because it is so surprising the amount of people who feel scared to be themselves.

They find a sense of comfort in me, because I am so open and honest about myself. What you see is what you get.

This comes from my past lives, and the karmic and generational debts I’m here to clear up.

I watched a pick a card reading a few months back, where I was told that I had been held down in my past life. I was devoted to my career, but it wasn’t what made me happy. It didn’t bring me joy, and by the end, when I laid on my deathbed, I thought, “if I were to do this again, I’d do it differently.”

And so, here I am.

A nonbinary bisexual witch with many mental illnesses and a strong need for solitude.

It takes a lot out of me to be around others, but making them feel loved and helping them solve any issues they have, really revs my engine.

It brings me SO MUCH happiness,

WOW

I just had an epiphany.

The other day, I was watching another PAC (please watch some if you are interested, Roseology is a babe), and it was told to me that my guides were going to push me towards what makes me happy like, really aggressively, until I couldn’t deny it anymore.

And I mean, I’ve always known I was here to help people, but damn-

I still have no where to start.

How do you start helping people when you had a 2.1 gpa because you were too depressed to concentrate?

Anyway, writing this has been very nice and definitely made me feel a lot better than when I started.

Thanks for reading, if you did,

The Mistress